Q: There are many divorce books on the market, what prompted you to write this one?

A: When my divorce began, I drove to the bookstore to search for a few titles that I hoped would give me guidance for the unknown journey I was about to begin. Like most people going through bad times, I wanted to feel better quickly. I was emotionally depleted and didn’t have the resources left to filter through large volumes of text based on research studies or that dealt with only one component of divorce or that reflected the author’s gender bias. I wanted to find a comprehensive but succinct overview of what was about to happen to my family in the coming weeks, months and years.

Divorce: Making the Break is the book I wish I had found on the bookshelf that day. As I worked my way through my divorce and child custody conflict, I was fortunate to receive some of the best legal and therapeutic advice available. I felt the wisdom I gained from these extremely bright professionals needed to be shared with others. I hoped this information would dispel some of the common myths about the divorce process and encourage separating partners to set aside their anger at each other and make more constructive decisions, especially with respect to the emotional needs of their children.

Q: Can you describe the journey that led you to write this book?

A: As my divorce spiraled out of control, I experienced shock and disbelief that our divorce system, which should be fostering constructive separation between spouses, was allowing so much destruction to occur. In trying to understand the bewildering divorce process, I sought advice from many professionals, as well as from books and articles. I also gained valuable insight from dozens of friends and acquaintances that had experienced divorce as adults or children. The more people I spoke with, the more court appearances I witnessed and participated in, the more legal and accounting documents I saw that contained errors or false accusations, the more frustrated and concerned I became for our society. This concern compelled me to speak out by writing this book.

Q: Did you find in your research that many divorcing couples experience the same thing as you did? Does the system steer people down the same path?

A: Many divorcing couples find themselves "sucked into the legal vortex," which can cause their lives to spin out of control, often resulting in unnecessary pain to themselves and their children.

Our divorce laws and the family law system could do much more to settle divorce conflicts by offering more intervention and oversight of the behavior of divorcing spouses and family law professionals. Our laws do not offer enough motivation for the participants to behave in positive ways. For instance, professionals in the divorce industry are financially rewarded with more work for not settling cases–and, unfortunately, some unethical family law professionals take advantage of this opportunity.

Additionally, soon-to-be-ex-spouses, often motivated by fear and rage, use the family law system as a weapon to punish their ex-spouse for wrongs, perceived or real. And, most tragically, the children who are caught in the crossfire of high conflict divorce pay a great emotional price throughout their lives. Children of high-conflict divorce are more prone to suffering depression, drug and alcohol problems, teen pregnancies, and relationship and marital problems.  Divorce in itself is not the problem so much as how divorce is often mishandled.
 

Q: Do you think the family law system treats men differently than women?

A: Although it seems to go at a glacially-slow pace, our society’s attitudes and laws are beginning to reflect more gender equality in divorce. Traditionally, divorced fathers were viewed as wage earners who had little contact with their children; divorced mothers were viewed as child caretakers/home managers who had few opportunities for finding personal fulfillment and financial independence in the work force.  These traditional roles, very limiting and probably not beneficial, were and often still are reflected in divorce judgments.  Fortunately, this is changing. As we begin to fully realize the crucial role that both parents play in a child’s development and self-esteem, men are being recognized for their contribution as parents, not just wage earners.  Likewise, women’s contributions in the work force are being more fully recognized and the resulting financial independence and expanded opportunities for personal growth for them is a positive.

Q: If you could offer divorcing couples one essential piece of advice, what would that be?

A: Enter mediation!  Enter mediation with an attorney for legal and financial issues; enter mediation with a mental health professional for child custody issues. Avoid litigation at all costs. Get your divorce finalized as quickly as possible and establish a cooperative shared parenting arrangement so you and your family can begin to heal and move forward in life

Q: By the same token, what would you tell divorcing parties to avoid?

A: Do not place your children in the middle of your divorce. Even if you and the other parent can’t function together in a marriage, never break your covenant with your children that they will have the opportunity for close relationships with both parents. Put your children’s needs first by establishing a shared parenting schedule (with the help of a mediator/mental health professional if need be) so both parents may be involved in the children’s lives. Commit yourself to never saying anything derogatory about the other parent, because it hurts a child’s soul when they are told that half of their origin is despised.

Q: There is a movement afoot to reduce the number of divorces in this country. Many believe that parents should stay together for the children, what do you think?

A: While well intentioned, legislation to make divorce more difficult may be an unfortunate and simplistic solution to a complex problem. Some of it seems to run counter to the recommendations of the practicing professionals and researchers who study divorce and its impact on children. Certainly making marital counselors who are licensed mental health professionals more easily available to couples having difficulty in their marriage would salvage some marriages, but passing legislation that would pressure people who hate each other to remain married may not be productive.

I believe that, unless abuse is present in the family, emphasis should be placed on the parents remaining in cooperative partnership around the children whether or not marital cohabitation is a realistic option. Certainly, children feel sadness when their parents divorce, but even worse for children is to live in a house filled with tension, hatred and fighting. Many children living in such circumstances feel a sense of relief when their parents separate.  A cooperative parenting partnership seems to have the most positive impact on children and this is where society’s focus should be.

Q: Your book is very much about protecting children from high-conflict divorce. What frequently happens to children when a divorce gets ugly?

A: Children of high conflict divorce pay a high price for their parents’ anger and non co-operation. When a child’s energy is depleted by having to deal with parental conflict, he or she is less able to use that energy in positive ways such as concentrating on schoolwork, sports, art, friendships, etc. 

Children know whether their welfare or their parents’ anger is placed first in a divorce.  A friend of mine whose parents divorced twenty years ago, when she was a teenager, told me, "The child’s image of a parent can change dramatically when the child sees the parent acting like a jerk in divorce.  There is a permanent loss of respect for the parent, a loss of faith because it’s obvious that the parent doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart."

There are many damaging things parents do to children during divorce: making false allegations of child abuse against the other parent, referring to children as objects to be possessed by using terminology such as "got" and "have" (as in "I got custody of my children" or "I have custody of my children"), "buying and selling" children by using child custody and financial matters as negotiating leverage, making disparaging comments about the other parent in front of the children, actively trying to undermine the children’s relationship with the other parent through "brainwashing," etc.
          

Our family law system needs to intervene sooner in high conflict divorce and, in such cases, offer long-term close monitoring of the divorcing couple and the divorce professionals they have hired to be sure all are operating in a constructive and ethical manner.